The room was stuffed with flowers and people. I was having a
hard time deciding which was more beautiful: the flowers or the tear-streaked
faces of her loved ones. Chelsie had known the love and devotion of many on
this earth and that moved me. But now she was with the very author of love in
heaven and that moved me too. For those she had left behind, grief would mingle
with joy for a long time to come.
I had been a cancer survivor for a little over 2 years at
that point. Chelsie’s cancer journey had hit me hard and I wanted so badly to
trade places with her. I felt like I had lived a full life and she had died so
young. I knew that wasn’t the way that I should think about it, but it has
taken me nearly 3 more years to finally experience peace with the outcome of
Chelsie’s cancer journey.
The answer to that struggle was right there in front of me,
to be honest with you. I feel silly to have missed it all this time. It was in
Chelsie’s favorite verse, Psalm 27:1 written by King David himself:
The
Lord is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The
Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
Fear is a common emotion, even for someone like King David
who as a young shepherd boy had killed lions and bears to protect his sheep. Fear
saps your energy, steals your joy, distracts you from experiencing peace and
certainly makes you feel weak. Just to name a few things fear can do to
someone. It certainly has done that to me more than I care to think about,
particularly during my cancer journey.
But one thing fear cannot do is exist in the presence of the
King of Light and Salvation. He is much too strong for so weak a thing like
fear to exist anywhere near Him. What a relief it must be when we are in the
presence of the ONE TRUE GOD where we cannot be cheated out of our joy and
peace anymore.
And that then, is the truth. To be in His Presence is to
experience joy and peace. That’s what Chelsie has now and forever. I wouldn’t
want her to trade that for anything. None of us will live a full life here on
earth. A fulfilled life can only be had in heaven in the presence of GOD.
I always thought that once I reached this milestone 5-year
mark, that I would somehow be free of experiencing fear. My cancer risk is the
same as anyone else now. But I have to tell you that I do still experience
fear. I think a lot of people assume that once your treatments are over and your
hair grows back, that you just keep truckin’ on down the road and don’t think
about cancer anymore. Or that hearing about other people getting diagnosed or
undergoing cancer treatments doesn’t get those old feelings all stirred up
again. Well, I don’t think that’s true for many cancer survivors because in the
back of your mind is always that thought about if your cancer will come back. No
matter what the statistics tell you.
Well, my cancer may come back. But it may not. So now every day
I have to make a choice. Am I going to waste my time and energy thinking about
whether or not I will get cancer again, or am I going to dive into the presence
of THE LORD where I know I will experience joy and peace?
Sure would’ve been easier if The Lord had called me home
like He did Chelsie. But it’s not my time yet. He still has things for me to do
here.
Think I’ll start by having ONE. BIG. PARTY.
I am, after all, a 5 year old who knows how to defeat fear.
And that’s something to celebrate!
