Yellow Bucket

I cradled that yellow bucket full of crumpled paper and cried.  I hadn't wanted to see it so full.  I was hoping for a bucket that had maybe a few wadded up pieces in it, and that the green one would be overflowing.

But that was not reality.

We had done an exercise in 5/6 GLOW where I had given each kid a piece of paper.  I told them the piece of paper represented all the time they spend in a day thinking.  And to ask themselves how much of their time they spend worrying, and how much time they spend thinking about other things.

I illustrated with my piece of paper.

I told the kids that I wish I could say that there is just one little corner of my paper that I would rip off that would represent how much of my thinking time is spent worrying.  But the truth is, before I had cancer, I spent most of my thinking time worrying about stuff.

Then I crumpled up the big piece of paper representing worry and threw it into the yellow bucket.

And I crumpled up the little piece of paper representing everything else and threw it into the green bucket.

I asked them to rip their piece of paper in proportion to how much of their thoughts are spent on worrying, and how much of their thoughts are spent on everything else, and to place them in the respective buckets.  Green for everything else, yellow for worrying.

Then I waited, holding my breath.  Hoping for something healthier than how I was.

Instead, the yellow bucket was full.  And I cried.

Beloved, God never meant for us to be slaves to worry.  He says so in Matthew Chapter 6 starting at verse 25 plus.  And He has given us the precision tools to help set us free from worry.  Tools that have helped me battle worry effectively.

One.  Write down all the ways He has shown you love in past and have confidence that He will continue to show how much he loves you in your current situation and in your future.  You will be surprised at how long the list is!  I wrote about that a while back (http://nancygarlingtransparent.blogspot.com/2014/02/no-confidence-in-myself.html).

Two.  Keep your eyes on Jesus.  When your focus is on The Lord, it is nearly impossible to be intensely worried about anything.  Prayer is one way, but on tough days, finite times of prayer may not cut it.  That's when I upgrade to communing with The Lord--constant conversation with Him throughout the day.  It brings great relief to me.

Three. Read scripture.  Some of you will remember that my pockets were stuffed with scriptures while I was going through cancer treatments.  My friend Emily put them on a ring of index cards for me now--but I still carry them with me everywhere I go. 

Four.  Listen to songs that are encouraging and talk about what we should do in the storms of life.  Last night we played "I Am" by Crowder, "Overcomer" by Mandisa, "God's Not Dead" by Newboys, "Whom Shall I Fear" by Chris Tomlin, "Praise You in the Storm" by Casting Crowns and "Smile" by Kirk Franklin.  These are ones I leaned on during my cancer treatments, and the kids were crazy about them. 

I wish I could tell you that I don't worry anymore.  But this is me being transparent with you.  I still battle the tendency to worry.  Particularly before the next mammogram or doctor's appointment.  It's exhausting!

But The Lord loves me with perfect tenderness even then.  And that's an encouraging thought. 

And sharing that with a room full of 5th and 6th graders was my calling last night.  Because those kiddos worry.  I know that not just from the full yellow bucket, but because they were absolutely silent while I talked about the tools to help you battle worrying and the number of kids who came up to me afterwards and asked me how they can find scriptures like the ones I have on my index cards.

I once asked my mom why she thought I struggle with worry so much.  She told me that God made me that way.  I started to protest when she said that because it hurt and it made me feel yucky about myself.  But she stopped me and added, "Baby, you were made that way so that you could encourage others who battle worry that they don't have to live like that."

So tonight, during our family time, we are not going to read Keys for Kids.  We are going to talk about worrying.  Because I need my kiddos to know they don't have to be slaves to worry.  There is a better way.  The Lord's Way.  I hope you will go home to your kiddos too and encourage them.

Together we can kick that yellow bucket to the curb.

Tending to the Broken Part 2

I was cutting the pizza when the question came from our foster daughter. 

"Nan, are you going to miss me?"

I put the pizza cutter down, got on my knees in front of her, fighting back tears.

"Baby Girl, I am going to miss you more than you can know.  And even though you aren't going to live with us anymore, we will always and forever love you.  Now come here and sit on my lap so I can hold you one more time."

Within an hour, we were going to witness the third miracle of the week.  But unlike the first two (clean mammogram, no septic system replacement required), this one was going to hurt.

I had been asking The Lord to equip me with plastic lips for this miracle.  Plastic lips?  Oh, you know.  The ability to smile when inside your heart is broken.

Technically, that would have been the fourth miracle.  I am just not a plastic lips person!

"They're here!  They're here!" she squealed with complete delight, flinging open the front door to discover that not only were her parents there, but 3 of her brothers and her 2 sisters too.

Miracle Number Three.  Right there in front of us.

They loaded the truck with the boxes I had carefully packed with all of their stuff, put the car seats back in their place, and then came inside so that I could take a picture of them.

They sat on the couch, our foster daughter on her dad's lap, our foster son on his mom's with all the other kiddos crowded around. 

I knelt down in front of the little girl that I had been a mother to for 5 months. 

"Baby Girl, today is a miracle.  You get to go home with your parents--something we didn't think was possible.  But all things are possible with The Lord.  Remember this day, Honey."

Then they were saying their good byes, their parents telling us "thank you" for taking care of their kiddos all these months, and then they were gone.

And I stood there with Grace clinging to my waist as she sobbed, and Isaac doing the same on the other side.  Matt stood a bit away from me, fighting tears and looking shocked.  And I was overwhelmed with the task at hand--tending to the broken hearted.

But this time, the broken were our own three amazing, cherished children.

And I had no idea what to do.  Because I was heart broken myself.

And that's when the leader of our house--my tender husband--did something so perfect it was absolutely breathtaking.  He sat us all down on the couch where moments before a family had been reunited, and he spoke words to us that dried our tears and brought us peace.

We had given our hearts to two little ones who desperately needed a safe place to wait--to wait patiently while The Lord prepared to deliver a miracle.  We taught them about hope.  We taught them about caring for family. We taught them to live life to its fullest even when they feel broken. 

It's impossible to teach such lessons to others without believing in them yourselves.  So I don't think we will be broken for long...I'm smiling this morning, and it's not because God gave me plastic lips.

No Confidence in Myself

Next week is a big week for our household.  I have my follow-up mammogram, the plumbers will decide if we need a new septic system or not, and the courts will decide if our foster kids go back home or stay with us.

To be honest with you, the Nancy Garling I know wants to hide under her electric blanket and pretend none of it is going to happen.

The Nancy Garling that The Lord wants me to be should spend the weekend enjoying life and loving on those He has blessed me with for this season.

So.  How do I choose to be the Nancy Garling that the Lord wants me to be (rather than choose to be buried under my electric blanket)?

I am certain someone out there is dealing with the same choice today.  Perhaps your circumstances are more sobering than mine, more complicated, more painful.  Whatever your circumstances are, hear me when I tell you that Satan relishes in seeing you bury yourself under that electric blanket too.  That should make you mad.  Because The Creator never meant for us to live in fear.

When I was in a particularly bad season of my life, my cousin Susie told me that she couldn't wait to see what The Lord was going to do through that circumstance.  I thought she was off her rocker thinking like that, and invited her to join me under my electric blanket.

But her words stuck with me, and I began to recall all of the amazing ways that The Lord has moved in my life.  And soon, I peeked out from under that blanket.

You see, I think the key to deciding how you are going to live in the face of trials starts with one simple word.

CONFIDENCE.

Not in yourself--no!  Confidence in what The Lord will do in your life.  Because He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion (Philippians 1:6).

So get your paper and pen.  If you can't drag yourself out from under your electric blanket to get them, call on someone to help you get those items and start writing down all of the ways that The Lord has moved in your life.  Ask Him to remind you of those times.  Get others in your inner circle to remind you of other times that you can't recall.  Write them down and put them in your pockets.  They are your history with The Lord and will see you through those times when you are tempted to hide under your electric blanket.

So if you are wondering, I am choosing to be a biscuit this weekend and soak up all the joy The Lord has blessed me with today.  

Because I am CONFIDENT in HIM.

The Cling of Cancer

Our foster son just turned three years old, and he does this really cute thing.  Whenever he sees me--and I mean whenever--he runs up to me crying "NAN!!" and hugs my thigh like it is his absolutely favorite thing in the world. 

It cracks me up.

But some things that cling do not make me smile.

Like cancer.

Ever since I went on Tamoxifen, I have had lower back pain.  Many women do.  Mine is focused on my right SI joint in my hip and only massive doses of Alleve fix it.  I'm sure the large amount of time I spend sitting doesn't help at all.  So, I go to see a Physical Therapist here at UT Southwestern.

Who proceeds to tell me that she wants to do an MRI to make sure I don't have cancer again that has now settled in my hip.

Seriously?  Not even my oncologist thinks that.

And I realize that for the rest of my life, any health event that occurs to me these doctors will wonder if it's cancer again.

It's the cling of cancer.

But there is something in my life that sticks to me much stronger than that.

Jesus.

He is quite clear about that in Genesis 28:15 when he says, "I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go". 

I need to be reminded of that.  Particularly as my next mammogram is set for February 13th.  Will I focus on the cling of cancer, or will I focus on the everlasting presence of My King? 

I'm working on it with The One who is Faithful and True (Revelation 19:11).  Because when I focus on HIM, there is no cling of cancer.  There is only peace. 

Hear Me Roar

So there I was again.  Cranking up to get ready for my next follow-up appointment with my oncologist.  And just let me tell you I reached a point on the day of that visit where I simply turned to The Lord and told Him that I was sick of focusing on me all the time. 

Have you ever felt that way?  Where you get sick of yourself? 

I am sure in a way, it breaks His heart.  Because I am His creation.  His child.  And He adores me through and through.

But He also sees what I can be, and I sometimes only see what I am.  And I can get pretty frustrated with myself. Especially on days when I am going for a follow-up appointment with my oncologist, and I know I have not sufficiently given it all into the hands of The King of Kings.

So I asked Him to help me find a way to stop focusing on myself.  And He was quick to give an answer.

And I laughed in delight!

One of the first times The Lord ever asked me to do something like what He had just asked me, the focus subject was a huge angry-looking black man on the downtown Dallas city bus who looked like he could crush me with one finger and a thumb.  Another time, the focus was the entire population of the bus.

At least this wasn’t a request He had made that involved a bus…

But His reply to my question was so simple.  So perfect.  So not about me.

And I felt immediate relief because the focus of the day was no longer about me.  It was about them.

So when I got up to the waiting room to see the brilliant Dr. Klemow at UTSWMC, I asked for everyone’s attention.

And with shaking knees, but strong voice, I told them this.  I told them that through the Grace of God and this clinic, I had become a cancer survivor.  That it was hard, but I made it through because my creator is faithful.  And that they are going to get through this season, too, just like I did.  Then I told them that I would pray for them to be encouraged, and accept His love for them.

The room was silent for a moment, and then erupted in clapping and “thank you”.  I didn’t even get a chance to sit down, because some of them came up to me immediately and wanted to tell me they really needed to hear that today.

Because people are attracted to those who know how to roar.

And my Emmanuel let me go through some stuff so that I could roar for Him.  He tells us all that should be our response in Psalm 107:2.   

So guys, shake the dust off those vocal cords and let’s hear some roaring out there.  The world is hungry to hear you.

My Capacity to Fail

I teach our large group sessions for 5^th and 6^th graders on Wednesday nights at church.  It was never my intention to work with 5^th and 6^th grade.  In fact, last year in August, I had decided I was going to take the year off from teaching on Wednesday nights and join a women’s bible study as I had just finished my cancer treatments and thought I should have some time to recover.

The Lord had other plans, and I listened.  And let me tell you, I am completely crazy about those kids! This IS my mission field for this season of my life.

But this past week I was really struggling to get a handle on what we were going to talk about at large group.  Our theme was “tell others about Jesus” and the Bible story was about Paul witnessing to Festus and his royal buddy, I can’t remember his name.  Planning for those large group sessions comes fairly easily to me, and when this one became a struggle, I went straight to the Lord and asked Him what was going on.

And The Great Teacher laid it out for me what we were going to do.

Scared the socks off of me, because it required no planning.  And I wrote to my leadership team about what we were going to do, and nobody replied.  Freaked me out, and I started to panic.  What if it all failed?  What if it was a miserable flop?  My capacity to fail that night was sky high, and I was not feeling very confident.  So I just went to The Lord in prayer.  A lot.  Just in constant communication with Him, and all I got was affirmation to do it the way He said to do it.

So we got there Wednesday night, in a room packed with kiddos and this is what we did.

We opened with a worship set as usual.  Then we showed a video of a young North Korean girl telling her story about how her father had been killed in North Korea for talking about Jesus and that The Lord was preparing her to go back there and do the same thing.  Then each of our adult leaders gave their powerful testimonies without any coaxing.  Even the new guy who didn’t get the email “heads up” gave his testimony.  Then we broke into our small groups, and gave each kiddo a chance to tell their story, pick the one that was most impacting, and then those kiddos re-told their story about how Jesus has affected their lives back in large group.  There was not enough Kleenex in our small group room, let me tell you.

And then seven boys accepted Jesus right there.  On a Wednesday night when I hadn’t planned a thing.  I’m sure the look on my face must’ve been ridiculously entertaining.  I have never been in a room where 7 people got saved at one time.  And I saw that happen on a night that I thought would be a failure.

And I was reminded that although my capacity to fail is absolutely saturating, The Lord’s capacity to fail is NON-EXISTANT. 

His plan is always perfect, Beloved!  Lay yourself down, and let Him work.

Tending to the Broken

Lately, I seem to be collecting people with broken hearts.  Don't get me wrong, it is not a collection that I am creating myself.  It is a collection that comes to me that way.  A friend whose husband of 52 years passed away.  A friend who was hurt badly by another.  A friend whose husband left her.  A friend whose child is quite ill.  A friend who lost a job that he tried so hard to keep.

And more recently, we have collected two short people who were taken away from their family for a time.  Their hearts are broken.

So I have rolled up my sleeves and become the hands and feet of Jesus.  Ministering to the broken when I myself have only recently experienced healing.

Our family digs in with all we have during this season of our life.  Some days we do it well.  Some days we do not.  Nevertheless, we give it our all.

And I am so glad that our two foster kids have run to us for comfort.

Because the broken do not always run to you for comfort.

Sometimes the broken run to you, but only to hurt you (because somehow that eases their own pain).

Sometimes the broken run away from you (because they don't want to face their own pain).

But no matter what the scenario is for the broken person in your life, the bottom line is that they are broken.  And there is only one healer for the kind of broken they are.

Jesus.

No other name.  Not even yours.

Just Jesus.

So in those sad moments when these two precious short people pour their broken hearts out to me, I hold them close and whisper in their ears.  You are safe.  It's going to be OK.  Jesus holds you tight.

And I can't even count how many times I have sung to them "Jesus Loves Me".  And I praise The Lord that when I sing that song,  and they hear that they belong to Jesus and that He is strong, their little bodies relax, and they start to breathe deeply.

Because only Jesus can heal the broken.

We just get to assist.  Are you tending to the broken in your life?