A reminder of where I was

This morning I had an MRI to check a spot on my liver.  They found it during an ultrasound I had done after a gall bladder attack.  Spots on a patient who has had cancer demands a follow-up MRI. 

The whole thing had me plunged back in fear.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of cancer again.  Fear of grief.

And I have been so disappointed in myself.  I thought I had reached a new level of fearlessness after breast cancer.  Instead, my learned behavior—to give in to fear—took over just as easily as if I had no awareness of all the Lord has done for me up to this point.  And I cried out to the Lord so many times with tears streaming down my face to take the fear away from me—because on this side of my cancer treatments, I now know what it feels like to live without fear, and I do NOT want to have that feeling of fear again.  Fear makes me sick—both spiritually and emotionally.

I’m sure the enemy enjoys seeing me like that.

I don’t know what made this afternoon special.  We still don’t know the results of the MRI. But sometime this afternoon in my anguish as I clung to Jesus in prayer, I finally felt fear release me and God’s peace come over me.  Ah.  Now that feels right.  Lord, pour your love and peace over me until there is no way to escape it.

A friend of mine encouraged me to read my entries and remember how far I have come.  I am putting a few highlights below, I thought some of them might help you in your circumstances. I will say this.  Yes, I gave in to fear for a few days.  But I knew it wasn’t right, and prayed to the Lord to release me from it, and trusted He would do so.  And He did.   I don’t know how long this feeling of peace will last.  But I do know that the Lord is faithful.

Please pray for me as I am of all things--still just a scared girl now…Let's not go to the "What If" world unless the Lord decides that's where we are going with this.   God is good and faithful in all things.

Our bodies belong to the Lord, and His will be done with mine.  When this time is over, I know I will look back and have yet another great witness to His faithfulness and love for me! 

This healing is a small thing compared to what He healed me of before, and an even smaller thing compared to what He healed me of when he paid the price for my sin by being nailed to the cross.

Thank you Jesus, for being so gracious that you have given me another example in my life of how you never do things half way.  Forgive me when I don't always believe that you will go the distance with me. 

I am not frozen in fear.  I am certain the Lord has control of this situation, as He does with every part of our lives.  I have always believed that, but this cancer has been a whopping gulp of evidence of His faithfulness and I am beginning to KNOW that he is in control.  All I need to do is stand still and watch Him work. 

I have no intention of spending any more energy wondering if His answer will be different for us this time. 

I have always been afraid of cancer.  Then I had it.  And I am no longer afraid.  In fact, the Lord is helping me to break free of all sorts of ridiculous fears I have entertained over the decades of my life through this.  Peace is building within me!  Joy is overflowing!  I am not afraid.  Praise Jesus, for once in my life, I do not feel fear.  I don't love that I got cancer.  But I am thankful that I did.  Because on this side of it, HOPE can sing free of fear!

It is time to do battle (Joshua 1:9) and I am ready.  He will not let my foot be moved (Psalm 121:3)!  For once in my life, I finally know what it feels like to NOT BE AFRAID.  To God be the glory for a miracle like THAT!! 

I guess everyone thought I was going to shrink into a corner of my house and mourn the summer away.  And to tell you the truth, I pretty much thought that was indeed what I was going to do.  But God--let me repeat that--but God has different plans!  

That’s right.  My head is bald, and I have Orpah feet.  But Jesus fights for me with all that He is.  He does the same for you…but I wonder.  Are we too busy running away on our Orpah feet to recognize we are called to stand firm with a heart like Ruth?   Sweet Jesus, create in me a heart like Ruth!!  I want to see first-hand your provision and faithfulness!!

I firmly acknowledge that I am doing this well because I am covered in prayer.  A peace that passes understanding is my song and if you know me, you know what a miracle that is.

I am relieved to be reaching the end of this stretch, and know that I have been held tight in the palm of the Lord’s hand through it all. But more importantly, through this experience I have found peace that passes understanding—something I have always desired, but never really experienced until now!  I pray fervently that I will not lose that.

And I know in that moment, the Lord and I shared something that I will never forget. Because He has done a miracle in me, and I will not be quiet.

How often do I allow myself to be overwhelmed and not go to the Lord?  Before I began this journey, it was a lot. Some journeys can make you feel overwhelmed.  I pray that you will recognize those moments for what they are, drop everything, and go to the rock.

I am getting my body back.  But I have been thinking, what I am I getting it back for?  Will I return to the way I was?  I don’t want to forget where I was and where I am now.  For the Lord has done a mighty work in me.  My Creator has set me free from the bondage of fear and I have learned to love Him deeper than I ever thought possible.  Sweet Jesus, may I never forget.

Jesus, carefully and tenderly showed me how to not live in fear.  He used the diagnosis of cancer to do it.  You may not think that was very caring or tender, but I am here to tell you it was the most caring and tender thing He has ever done for me.  Because now I live the way He intended—content in the circumstances, trusting Him with my ALL.   May I never forget.

He showed me how faithful He is by letting me have cancer.  Because through this experience, I have been drawn closer to His throne than ever before.  And that has allowed me to finally accept a gift that He has been offering me for a long time that I have refused to accept--the gift of peace.  He was faithful to put me in a situation to make sure I could accept that gift and enjoy its full potential.

He changes lives with unfailing faithfulness.

My mistake about God’s faithfulness

For 7 weeks this fall, I made my way down to the radiation department to receive treatment for breast cancer.   The ladies dressing room is at the end of the hall, and before you get there, you have to pass the room where the kids are getting sedated for their radiation treatment.  They lay there in their hospital beds, starting to doze off with their fuzzy blankets up to their chins and you would probably never know something was wrong with them except for the fact that they are in that particular room and they are usually bald.

But even that isn’t as unsettling to me as their parents.  Usually there is a parent sitting in a chair, head on their child’s bed.  And always, always, holding their child’s hand.  The parents are so obviously exhausted, worried, and sometimes you can clearly recognize the dazed look on their faces—still in shock perhaps by the fact that they are facing something that must seem completely inconceivable. The whole thing just doesn’t seem natural, but somehow you are living through it anyway.

And everyday I walked by that room, the Lord whispered to me “I am faithful, Nancy.” 

And I wanted to believe that.  But in those times, it sure was hard to believe that the Lord is faithful.

It was hard because I had made a big mistake regarding His faithfulness. 

Now that my hair is coming back, it has become a huge topic of conversation.  The main themes have been the following: Yes, I am wearing these bandanas until I have proper bangs.  Yes, my BFF and I dyed my hair because the sides came in gray and I don’t like that.  Yes, I look like a baby chick when the bandanas are off because my hair sticks straight up. 

And always those conversations end with me saying that God is faithful. And I know that some of those who hear me say that think I am saying God is faithful because I am cancer free. But that daily trek down to radiation therapy seeing those precious bald heads and their exhausted parents changed my understanding of His faithfulness.

He showed me how faithful He is by letting me have cancer.  Because through this experience, I have been drawn closer to His throne than ever before.  And that has allowed me to finally accept a gift that He has been offering me for a long time that I have refused to accept--the gift of peace.  He was faithful to put me in a situation to make sure I could accept that gift and enjoy its full potential.

Because we were never meant to live in a spirit of discontent.  A spirit of fear.  A spirit of grief.

And Oh.  Let me tell you.  Accepting the gift of peace from the Prince of Peace….well, it will quite frankly change your life.     

Because that is what he does.  He changes lives. 

He does that with unfailing faithfulness.