The Cling of Cancer

Our foster son just turned three years old, and he does this really cute thing.  Whenever he sees me--and I mean whenever--he runs up to me crying "NAN!!" and hugs my thigh like it is his absolutely favorite thing in the world. 

It cracks me up.

But some things that cling do not make me smile.

Like cancer.

Ever since I went on Tamoxifen, I have had lower back pain.  Many women do.  Mine is focused on my right SI joint in my hip and only massive doses of Alleve fix it.  I'm sure the large amount of time I spend sitting doesn't help at all.  So, I go to see a Physical Therapist here at UT Southwestern.

Who proceeds to tell me that she wants to do an MRI to make sure I don't have cancer again that has now settled in my hip.

Seriously?  Not even my oncologist thinks that.

And I realize that for the rest of my life, any health event that occurs to me these doctors will wonder if it's cancer again.

It's the cling of cancer.

But there is something in my life that sticks to me much stronger than that.

Jesus.

He is quite clear about that in Genesis 28:15 when he says, "I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go". 

I need to be reminded of that.  Particularly as my next mammogram is set for February 13th.  Will I focus on the cling of cancer, or will I focus on the everlasting presence of My King? 

I'm working on it with The One who is Faithful and True (Revelation 19:11).  Because when I focus on HIM, there is no cling of cancer.  There is only peace. 

Hear Me Roar

So there I was again.  Cranking up to get ready for my next follow-up appointment with my oncologist.  And just let me tell you I reached a point on the day of that visit where I simply turned to The Lord and told Him that I was sick of focusing on me all the time. 

Have you ever felt that way?  Where you get sick of yourself? 

I am sure in a way, it breaks His heart.  Because I am His creation.  His child.  And He adores me through and through.

But He also sees what I can be, and I sometimes only see what I am.  And I can get pretty frustrated with myself. Especially on days when I am going for a follow-up appointment with my oncologist, and I know I have not sufficiently given it all into the hands of The King of Kings.

So I asked Him to help me find a way to stop focusing on myself.  And He was quick to give an answer.

And I laughed in delight!

One of the first times The Lord ever asked me to do something like what He had just asked me, the focus subject was a huge angry-looking black man on the downtown Dallas city bus who looked like he could crush me with one finger and a thumb.  Another time, the focus was the entire population of the bus.

At least this wasn’t a request He had made that involved a bus…

But His reply to my question was so simple.  So perfect.  So not about me.

And I felt immediate relief because the focus of the day was no longer about me.  It was about them.

So when I got up to the waiting room to see the brilliant Dr. Klemow at UTSWMC, I asked for everyone’s attention.

And with shaking knees, but strong voice, I told them this.  I told them that through the Grace of God and this clinic, I had become a cancer survivor.  That it was hard, but I made it through because my creator is faithful.  And that they are going to get through this season, too, just like I did.  Then I told them that I would pray for them to be encouraged, and accept His love for them.

The room was silent for a moment, and then erupted in clapping and “thank you”.  I didn’t even get a chance to sit down, because some of them came up to me immediately and wanted to tell me they really needed to hear that today.

Because people are attracted to those who know how to roar.

And my Emmanuel let me go through some stuff so that I could roar for Him.  He tells us all that should be our response in Psalm 107:2.   

So guys, shake the dust off those vocal cords and let’s hear some roaring out there.  The world is hungry to hear you.

My Capacity to Fail

I teach our large group sessions for 5^th and 6^th graders on Wednesday nights at church.  It was never my intention to work with 5^th and 6^th grade.  In fact, last year in August, I had decided I was going to take the year off from teaching on Wednesday nights and join a women’s bible study as I had just finished my cancer treatments and thought I should have some time to recover.

The Lord had other plans, and I listened.  And let me tell you, I am completely crazy about those kids! This IS my mission field for this season of my life.

But this past week I was really struggling to get a handle on what we were going to talk about at large group.  Our theme was “tell others about Jesus” and the Bible story was about Paul witnessing to Festus and his royal buddy, I can’t remember his name.  Planning for those large group sessions comes fairly easily to me, and when this one became a struggle, I went straight to the Lord and asked Him what was going on.

And The Great Teacher laid it out for me what we were going to do.

Scared the socks off of me, because it required no planning.  And I wrote to my leadership team about what we were going to do, and nobody replied.  Freaked me out, and I started to panic.  What if it all failed?  What if it was a miserable flop?  My capacity to fail that night was sky high, and I was not feeling very confident.  So I just went to The Lord in prayer.  A lot.  Just in constant communication with Him, and all I got was affirmation to do it the way He said to do it.

So we got there Wednesday night, in a room packed with kiddos and this is what we did.

We opened with a worship set as usual.  Then we showed a video of a young North Korean girl telling her story about how her father had been killed in North Korea for talking about Jesus and that The Lord was preparing her to go back there and do the same thing.  Then each of our adult leaders gave their powerful testimonies without any coaxing.  Even the new guy who didn’t get the email “heads up” gave his testimony.  Then we broke into our small groups, and gave each kiddo a chance to tell their story, pick the one that was most impacting, and then those kiddos re-told their story about how Jesus has affected their lives back in large group.  There was not enough Kleenex in our small group room, let me tell you.

And then seven boys accepted Jesus right there.  On a Wednesday night when I hadn’t planned a thing.  I’m sure the look on my face must’ve been ridiculously entertaining.  I have never been in a room where 7 people got saved at one time.  And I saw that happen on a night that I thought would be a failure.

And I was reminded that although my capacity to fail is absolutely saturating, The Lord’s capacity to fail is NON-EXISTANT. 

His plan is always perfect, Beloved!  Lay yourself down, and let Him work.

Tending to the Broken

Lately, I seem to be collecting people with broken hearts.  Don't get me wrong, it is not a collection that I am creating myself.  It is a collection that comes to me that way.  A friend whose husband of 52 years passed away.  A friend who was hurt badly by another.  A friend whose husband left her.  A friend whose child is quite ill.  A friend who lost a job that he tried so hard to keep.

And more recently, we have collected two short people who were taken away from their family for a time.  Their hearts are broken.

So I have rolled up my sleeves and become the hands and feet of Jesus.  Ministering to the broken when I myself have only recently experienced healing.

Our family digs in with all we have during this season of our life.  Some days we do it well.  Some days we do not.  Nevertheless, we give it our all.

And I am so glad that our two foster kids have run to us for comfort.

Because the broken do not always run to you for comfort.

Sometimes the broken run to you, but only to hurt you (because somehow that eases their own pain).

Sometimes the broken run away from you (because they don't want to face their own pain).

But no matter what the scenario is for the broken person in your life, the bottom line is that they are broken.  And there is only one healer for the kind of broken they are.

Jesus.

No other name.  Not even yours.

Just Jesus.

So in those sad moments when these two precious short people pour their broken hearts out to me, I hold them close and whisper in their ears.  You are safe.  It's going to be OK.  Jesus holds you tight.

And I can't even count how many times I have sung to them "Jesus Loves Me".  And I praise The Lord that when I sing that song,  and they hear that they belong to Jesus and that He is strong, their little bodies relax, and they start to breathe deeply.

Because only Jesus can heal the broken.

We just get to assist.  Are you tending to the broken in your life?

Living by Numbers

This morning, I sit here at peace.  It is an interesting sensation for me, and I cherish those moments when they happen.  My mammogram came back clean less than 48 hours ago, and I am tucked safely under the wing of My Jesus like a newborn chick.  Ahhh...that feels so good!

I had myself worked up pretty good about that mammogram, let me tell you.  It was exhausting to be that worked up!  I've been running around just like a baby chick, squawking and flapping my wings.

I was focusing on the wrong number.

You see, I have a 99 percent chance of that breast cancer NOT coming back.

But I focus on the less than 1 percent chance that it MIGHT come back.

Gideon lived by numbers too.  His story is tucked in the book of Judges, I forget where.  Gideon was about to go into battle, but he asked for a sign from God that it was the right thing to do.  He got his sign.

Then he asked for a second sign.

Crazy guy.  But you have to admire him for being secure enough in his relationship with the Lord that he asked for a second sign.

And His Heavenly Father, who pours abundant grace on all of us, gave Gideon his second sign too.

And Gideon kicked serious Midianite tail.

But not until The Lord did something exceptional with numbers for Gideon.  God was about to steal the show.

You see, Gideon was going to take twelve thousand men into battle, but God said that if he took that many into battle, they might think they were victorious because of their strength in numbers, and not give the glory to God.  So The Lord helped Gideon hand pick 300 men to go into battle.

Why 300?

In Hebrew, 300 is represented by the letter "shin".  This letter is shaped like a three-prong fork, or flame.  Which makes sense because "shin" represents the element of fire, or spirit.  It is the middle letter in Yeshua, the Hebrew word for Jesus. 

It is also the middle letter in the Hebrew word for Jerusalem.  In fact, the way the land is shaped in Jerusalem and the surrounding countryside looks like the letter "shin". So when you read that God chose Jerusalem as His holy city, well, that should make sense.  His spirit is right in the middle of its name and He carved Jerusalem into the letter "shin", just to be perfectly clear with us that Jerusalem was going to be His dwelling place.

Did you know the human heart is also shaped in the letter "shin"?  Yep.  So when you read that Jesus will live in our hearts, well, that makes sense too.  Because he carved your heart into the letter "shin", just to be perfectly clear with us that you heart is where He desires to live too. 

"Shin" also means 300.

So when Gideon defeated the Midianites with only 300 men, Gideon and his army were reminded the whole time that they won because "shin"--the Spirit of God--was with them.  It was God's strength in spirit that led them to victory.  Not their own strength.

They lived by 300 that day.

So I've been living by that one percent statistic that my cancer might come back.

But I'm not going to do that anymore.  I'm not going to live by that 99 percent statistic that my cancer won't come back either.

No, if I'm going to live by numbers, I am going to focus on 300.  Because "shin" places my focus squarely on THE ONE who has the strength to bring me victory.

What number are you focusing on?

What Little Leaguers taught me about mammograms

 Our family has recently become infatuated with Little League baseball.  We have friends whose son is on a team, and so this week, we have gone to a few of his games.  I am not impressed when a grown man can catch a baseball, but when a five year old does it?  That is miraculous!  And when they run the bases?  Oh my. There they are in their baseball helmets that are bigger than their entire bodies, pumping those short legs with all their might, deep furrowed scowl etched in total dedication to get to their goal.

And there I am in the stands, coming totally unglued screaming, “Run, Buddy, RUN!!” until I have no voice left.

For kids I don’t even know.

And I realize that I am overly excited because these Little Leaguers are teaching me something as they run those bases.

You see, I have my second follow up mammogram this coming Tuesday.  Scans for cancer patients and those who love them are hard on every one.  But I am a cancer survivor.  Yet it is still a scary thing to face.  And I often find myself looking for a corner to crawl into rather than run towards that goal.  Why?

I think the “why” for me is that I have yet to achieve full confidence in The Lord’s provision for me.  If I knew with absolute certainty to my very core that He’s got me hedged in, I would be pumping my short legs with all my might towards Tuesday, confident that He’s in total control of it all.

Praise THE LORD that His protection over me is not dependant on my perfection, but only in the Perfection of Jesus who gave His life for me.  And you.

Paul wrote in his letter to the Hebrews that we should run with endurance the race that is set before us.  (Hebrews 12:1)  One cannot run such a race without training.  And every situation you find yourself in is training ground for that race. 

 

The creator intends for you to run it with legs pumping and brows furrowed as you strain towards the goal, just like those Little Leaguers running the bases.

 

He’s in the stands coming unglued over YOU, beloved!  His love for you is deeper and wider than you can ever fathom!  (Ephesians 3:18-19)  You are precious in the eyes of your creator! (Ephesians 1:4-5)

 

Run, Buddy, RUN!!

How to make half a million dollars while on chemotherapy

It's not common for me to be running down the hallways of the lab dressed in a bright green John Deere Tshirt, jeans and flip flops.

Well, not common for me to be running, anyway.

But what I had just read on my email was too exciting to keep to myself.  I had made a half million dollars!  While on chemotherapy!!

Astonishing, you might say.  Miraculous, I would say.  For two reasons.

One, I did it while on chemotherapy.  I was diagnosed with breast cancer last spring, had surgery and then over the summer, had 4 rounds of chemotherapy.  Now everyone's response to chemo is different.  I had my issues and I was as sick as I have ever been in my life.  But even being that sick, I was still able to do most of the things I normally do.  God really had a hedge of protection around me, and my prayer team was AMAZING. 

Two.  I want you to think back to the absolute worst writing assignment or project you ever had to work on.  Got it?  Now I want you to multiply that by at least a thousand fold and picture working on it day and night for 3 months solid.  Got that picture?  You eat, drink and sleep the thing.  OK, that is what it's like when a scientist writes a grant proposal designed to get an agency to fund your work.

Not sure it ever occurred to me that I couldn't write one of those while on chemotherapy.  And it was a brand new concept too, so we couldn't cut and paste from other ones we had written before.

And I wrote it while I was bald. 

And the award notice came in when I was barely able to get my new hair into pig tails.  I just stared at it.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  I read it three times, and then it finally sunk in.

And so I ran down the hallways of the lab like Paul Revere shouting "WE GOT IT!"  Well, maybe not shouting.  But I had definitely come unglued.

Because we had just been awarded a half million dollars on a new project grant we had written while I was on chemo.

Isn't that just like God?  To take us at our weakest moments and show us miracles.  It just makes me laugh with joy uncontained!

Beloved, be encouraged.  You may be in a season where you feel weaker than you have ever been.  But OUR GOD is a God of MIRACLES.  He enjoys lavishing them upon us.  He enjoys hearing us laugh and LIVE LIFE. 

Just be careful running down the hallways in your flip flops!