Well, I had another scan of a different type. I have had some occasional spotting while on Tamoxifen, and my oncologist didn't like it. So I had an ultrasound this past Friday to check my uterine lining for cancer.
The three weeks between the time I had seen my oncologist and the scan were pretty brutal for me. I had stepped onto an emotional roller coaster about the whole thing. At one point, I cried out to The Lord and asked him why these things keep happening to me. And as gentle as He could but with perfect clarity, The Lord told me that He would continue to put these things in my life until I become confident that He will always watch over me and protect me.
But to my shame, even that didn't stop me from doubting during those three weeks, and it drove everyone nuts.
I didn't realize how much it drove everyone nuts until last night.
You see, my scan came back fine. The radiologist came in at the end of my scanning on Friday and did a few more checks after the technician was done, but then told me she didn't see anything unusual for a woman on Tamoxifen. I went home in disbelief, but much calmer in spirit.
And last night, as we finished up a great weekend of unrivaled family time with a swim in a friend's pool, jambalaya for supper, cheesecake for dessert and a good movie with lots of kiddo snuggles I realized that my attitude the three weeks leading up to that scan had not only affected myself, but had affected my family in a negative way.
I had caused anxiousness in their spirits, too.
In his letter to the Colossians (Chapter 3 verses 12 through 15), Paul urges the people to clothe themselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. If we did that more often, I wonder how it would affect the people around us.
In horse herds, there are two mares that manage the herd. There is the alpha mare, who is in charge of the safety and daily routine of the herd. Everyone else in the herd must follow her signals or else she will force them to do so. There is also the lead (or passive) mare, who is chosen by the herd as the unofficial wise one. She leads by example (not brute force) and instills a relaxed and content attitude in the herd. They want to be around her.
So I would have to say that when I am on an emotional roller coaster, I tend to be more like an alpha mare--and although my intentions are still good (safety, daily routine), it really causes tension in my family because I am not clothed in compassion, kindness, and the like. But when I choose to clothe myself in these things listed in Colossians, I become the lead mare who doesn't cause anxiousness in her herd and instead helps to relax them and find contentment.
So I encourage you to sit back a moment, all you mares out there. Sit back and really evaluate how you affect those around you and ask yourself this: Is this how I would want to imprint my family? I know there are some really horrible things going on with some of you. And it's hard to clothe yourselves in compassion, kindness, humility and all that other stuff when you are down. But you don't want your hooves to get sharper ladies. You want your muzzles to get softer. That draws your dear ones nearer to you and in turn, draws all of you closer to The Lord.
My next battle is in August with a 6-month follow up routine mammogram. Starting today, I am fixing my eyes on The Lord and praying for confidence in His Will for me. And I will begin my campaign to pray for all of us mares out there that we will nurture those The Lord has given to us.
