I was so tired of this dream.
It's after the wreck, and I am sitting on the ground between the truck and the camper cradling Matt's dead body in my arms, as I rock back and forth sobbing uncontrollably. And then as the scene replays, it's Grace's dead body I'm holding instead. And a third time with Isaac's dead body. A fourth time with both Matt and Grace being dead. A fifth time with Matt and Isaac. A sixth time with Grace and Isaac.
It's actually a fairly elegant nightmare honestly because of the perfect pattern of the replay. It's curious to me how I apply good math even to my worst nightmare.
And devastating to me that in all six replays, Vern is dead.
I glanced up from the kitchen sink, drinking in the scene of all three kiddos eating supper at the table as I prepare my heart for the task at hand.
To once again let go of my family.
I have let go of so many things in my life just like you have. You can name those things just as easily as I can name them for myself. Things that have torn up your heart in ways that you thought you could never recover from.
Like when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2012. But in that year of treatments, I learned a precious lesson. I learned that I could trust Jesus with my life.
But now, after the wreck, these nightmares make me realize that I am having a hard time trusting Him with the lives of my family.
I must come to understand that He cares for them even more than I do myself. It's a tough thing to grasp. Particularly after a horrible event occurs because I must choose to believe He is still looking out for their best interests too.
But I know in my heart that I must let them go and give them to God. Because only then can I really do what they need from me most. Which is simply to love them through those tough times and point them back to God.
Because Beloved, He is the answer to all their tough stuff, not me.
"Mom", Isaac said crawling into my lap after a shower, his hair still damp, "God saved us, didn't He?"
"Yes, Baby, He did. Just to show you how much He loves you even when things seem so bad."
Those blue eyes looked into mine, absorbing that thought.
"God fights for me." He said with his chest all puffed up.
"Yes, Baby, He sure does. And He will never stop doing that."
And then Matt and Grace were piling onto my lap, the combined giggles of the redeemed leaving no room for the nightmare.
Look to the LORD and to his strength. Always look to him. 1 Chronicles 16:11
If you do not know Jesus as your savior, I suggest you seek Him out. You just never know when your time is up on this earth.
Website for views of the wreck that made the news:
http://kfor.com/2014/07/11/traffic-alert-emergency-crews-on-scene-of-rv-accident-on-i-35/
