Mostly I remember how huge his backpack looked on him as he
walked into kindergarten with his dad. Even thinking about it now 10 years
later makes my throat tighten up and brings fresh tears to my eyes. My heart had
ached for my red-headed boy to turn around and run back to me. Just one more time
for him to wrap those arms around me and smile at me with those shining blue eyes
before the excitement and challenge of school whisked him away. But his heart
was at peace because he was walking beside his dad into that undiscovered
country. And Vern’s presence was sufficient for him to keep moving forward and
not look back.
I’ve been thinking about that moment a lot this past week.
You see, it’s been a little over a week since I passed my 5-year mammogram and
graduated to the breast cancer survivor program at UTSWMC Simmons Cancer
Center. Today, I am wearing the first survivor t-shirt that I have ever bought,
complete with a PINK ribbon on it.
Feels good. Feels weird. Feels too soon and yet not soon enough.
I imagine that’s how Matt felt that first day of kindergarten
when he was barely 5 years old. But I wonder if he remembers his dad had walked
him in from the parking lot to the classroom door? Vern and I had discussed it
the night before—I was sure to be a total wreck if I came along on that
2-minute journey, and so I was to stay in the truck while my husband Vern
walked him in. I’m thankful for the wisdom of my husband, because they had
barely left the truck when I turned into a sobbing mess. Moms can do that.
But one of the special jobs of a dad is to instill
confidence in their kiddos. To show them how to have courage in the face of
fear. To show them how to stand up for truth and be true to themselves. To live
a life of integrity in a world that doesn’t care much about that any more. To
sing with all their heart, laugh with their whole bodies, and disintegrate the
worries in their minds. And that was why Matt quietly kept pace with his dad as
they walked into that school. Vern was doing his job with all that he had. Not
because he had to, but because he loved to do it for his boy as Matt charged
forward on this side of 5 years old.
And I realize that on this side of my 5 years cancer-free,
that Jesus has done the same for me. He has shown me how to be courageous in
the face of fear. To stand up for truth and be true to myself. To live a life
of integrity. To sing with all my heart, laugh with my whole body, and
disintegrate the worries of my mind.
But let’s be transparent here. I don’t do a good job applying
these lessons to my life very well.
It was 2 days before that 5-year mammogram and I was on the
phone with my mom. AGAIN. By this point, both of my back pockets were stuffed
with scriptures written on index cards. Carrying scripture around with me like
that usually makes me feel so much better, but this time I was still sick in
the pit of my stomach from worry about what was going to happen.
“I am so sick of myself, Mom. When I am I ever going to
become that person who trusts God and doesn’t worry like this? I feel so
stupid. So UNABLE.” I know she heard the frustration in my voice. I know every
fiber of her being wanted to pull me by the cheeks and tell me to knock it off,
but instead, she did that Mom thing.
“You need to cut yourself some slack, Nancy. God’s work in
you is not complete. You have come so far, look at you!” She went on to tell me
how my anxiety was nowhere near what it used to be. That my experiences were giving
me wisdom to overcome anxiety. Her proof? Her proof was that THIS time, when
worry was raging in my house, I had turned to The Lord.
When my heart is
overwhelmed, lead me to THE ROCK
that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2.
For many, my cancer journey ended on October 12th,
2012 when my last treatment was done. But I think for me, that was really when
my journey began. I am on a journey far more important than fighting the disease
that was in my body. I am fighting the disease that is in my mind. This disease
of th
But the dog-eared scriptures in my pockets tell me
otherwise. They say that God intends for us to a live an abundant life (John
10:10) and have the Peace of Christ (John 14:27). That His love for me never
ceases because He is faithful (Lamentations 3:22-23).
But most of all, these scriptures tell me that no matter
what I do or do not do, His love for me will never end (Romans 8:38-39).
Hallelujah, God is not keeping score on my anxiety level as a means to
determine how much He loves me.
I had to re-write my pocket scriptures. The old set that I
have carried around with me since the beginning of my cancer treatments in 2012
are worn out. But as I got ready to re-write them, I decided it was time to
live like a survivor and not a victim of anxiety. The scriptures in my old pack
are precious to me because they helped me focus on overcoming fear. My NEW
pocket scriptures are written on bright fluorescent cardstock and are focused
on the victory that already IS part of my life and they fill my perspective of
the future with hope and promise.
And The Lord of all
grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a
little while will Himself restore you and MAKE
YOU STRONG. 1 Peter 5:10
I AM STRONGER because of HIM who lives in me. Thank you
Jesus for taking me to school.
Has Jesus taken you to school? What did you learn from that experience?
Praying for each of us to rely on His strength and trust in His promises.
